p for paradox.

"I'M SIGNIFICANT!!!…screamed the dust speck."

Archive for the category “Decide and Do”

adventure

it’s art. it’s acumen. it’s adventure. and the adventure is not in knowing the place, but the new me when i return from that place. i may be a totally edited version, or a lucid form of me. but i want to be an authentic one, whichever way it is.

i want to experience the magnetism, not the glamour.

i want to encounter the emotions, not the expressions.

i want to endure the fear, not the chaos.

i want to elude the map, not the identity.

and so the search began, for a new adventure. a new place. a new me.

Image

Encouraged by the prompt ‘Search’ @ Sunday ScribblingS!

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ironical identity

How a clear white canvas could starkly trigger my thought process and make me uncomfortable is beyond my apprehension. And how a place which has no testament of my existence can be so deeply engraved in my heart is beyond my consciousness.

Standing with a piece of charcoal waiting to sketch down a still life, I realize the irony of just being. Being everywhere, but there. Where we are now is defined by the circumstances we embraced, sometime. Or maybe someone else did that on our behalf. And that what defined me was that I was born in a town that was sometimes all mine, and sometimes bizarrely unfamiliar. I identified this irony sometime when I was in primary school. I don’t belong to the place I was born in. And, I was not born in the place where I always wanted to belong. Then a few years later I realized that this place I cherish most is the one I have least experience of.  After a while, when I started taking pride in traveling…I discerned that this place I perilously want to be at, is the one place where I refuse to go as a tourist. And now, after so many years the ultimate humor revealed itself – the only language that I dread is the one I think in.

It’s not a matter of lost identity, but just plain irony, which I refuse to be at peace with, even till date. Sometime early in my life I ran away from the obvious just because it was so negative. I didn’t see the exodus, I was lucky. But I didn’t want to hear about it too. It was bitter. So I ran away. For a new identity that would barrage terms such as bold and indifferent and strong from my personality. So no one would know the real me.  But after all these years of balancing my ironical identity, when a simple crisp empty canvas almost clamored explicitly that I paint the Paradise, I felt rather susceptible. Weakly vulnerable.  I felt I was missing the intense sense of belonging to that one place.

This guy in office recently said that ‘you look like one of us…I couldn’t have guessed you are not from europe’. I smiled, but I didn’t know if it was good or bad. Because that moment reminded me of the time when someone my own once said ‘you are an outsider’.

Atleast I know what my next painting will be. Paradise.

facebook, no more.

One of THE most important decisions of my life. [How i wish!]

Welcome back to the bona fide world. Where friends TALK. Where likeness is not a number. Where checking in means a key to your hotel room. Where timeline is a walk down the history lane.

I just deactivated my Facebook account a few days back. A split moment decision. I was NOT keeping off it. One fine evening, while snooping around on some random people’s pics and wall posts, suddenly realised what a negative high it bestowed upon thee. For all I know, the dude / dudette/ others, care the least what I am upto for God’s sake. Let’s face it, they just don’t. For the few real friends out there who really do, who needs F to jabber with them. Skype I love.

I know all that jazz about its upto you and your privacy settings [‘privacy’ ha ha ha, such a misnomer!], as to what influence F has on your daily life – positive or perverse, slight or significant. But seriously, the rule is simple, you get out of it as much as you put into it. This was the problem, I was spending way too much time and heed to F. If I like a pic, I will end up actually liking it. As in, with that thumbs-up thingy out there. Why wouldn’t I? If I feel a comment is stupid, I will convey my sarcasm to it, and strongly enough for people to feel the need to reply to it. Why wouldn’t I? That was the trouble. The ‘why-wouldn’t-I’ part. It was like pursuing those unwritten rules of basic Facebook etiquettes. You just gotta airtel in one way or the other. Like-it, tag-it, rsvp-it,comment-it. But don’t ignore-it. Which can be easily translated to a quantifiable notification set thrown back at you regularly, almost every minute.

I was not a passive FBer. But that’s my predicament. Everyone has that ONE catch-22, and this is mine. I am not usually passive, unless its way too emotional. Then I get annoying. Almost caustic. Specially to my close ones. Specially those who wouldn’t get it that something’s wrong. But anyways, that’s not the point. The timeline is…, sorry,the baseline is,that F is miles away from emotions, so it was not possible for me to just sit and ponder over things while I am at it. So, the intrinsic motivation to stay away from F didn’t work for long, a few hours maybe. Tried disabling all notifications directly reaching my mail box. But it was too late. Nothing could stop me from logging in. Thought of disabling my wall – How about “Yeah I am here guys, but you cannot contact me Ha Ha!” Why are you here then peeping Tom?! To silently snoop around? Hmm, not healthy! And a bit rude too.

Anyways, Addiction hit. Badly needed external moderation. So just went ahead and BOOM! GONE!

Had 2 very instantaneous feelings – (i) Sheah! what will I do in life now? and (ii) My my! there are actually 24 hours in a day.

So from the next day, I didn’t have much to wander around in boring meetings. The result? I end up focusing on the agenda, get it over with, and ummmm, stare out of the window maybe. For more, checking out F is not the default last-thing-before-I-sleep anymore. For all I care, I wouldn’t have started posting on this blog if I had my hourly notifications to check and respond too (obligations, you see).

But somewhere I know it’s just a phase. I just needed a break from this relationship. This affair with F. I am not sure if I will be back. Maybe soon. Maybe never. But I swear, there is something inside me that’s amused. Intoxicated, but with a positive high. Nature’s happy-high state I believe. I think it’s the frequency of the inner voice being able to get in touch with me, after long.

Let’s try listening to it for a change.

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update circa post-valentijndag: Just ended a long chat with Sin. 87% timepass, but totally interesting. He thinks this is ‘one of those hasty decisions’ I take in my life. I agree, maybe. And anyways, his affair with FB has only strengthened this past one year so he refuses to side by me! But seriously, whenever you read this Sin, it had nothing to do with my love life 🙂 Grown up girl you see. Though the one thing I definitely miss is those random fraand requests from your dorm mates! Ha!

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update i am back. And I am not enjoying it really. Dad suggested I should get back, maybe it was one way he could keep a passive track of me ha ha! Just kidding, but I guess he thought its an easy way for everybody else to keep in touch with me. So it was basically about everybody else. God only knows why I listen to him every time!
anyways, this is when I logged in again.

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